Let’s try this again.
I’m forty. I work in a dead-end job, don’t have place of my own, and I haven’t gotten laid in about 10 years. In technical terms, I’m a brute–I work, eat, sleep, and aside from the usual family get-togethers, I don’t have much social interaction with the outside world. Physically, I’m a mess–obese, near-sighted, achy from old injuries, sleep apnea, and a penchant for drinking heavily. Psychologically, I’ve been diagnosed with dysthymic disorder, and I’ve had a dysfunctional family upbringing that colors my self-esteem like nobody would believe.
That is the general description of my world; and, up until I discovered that I had cancer, and almost died–twice–in the last 8 months, I was pretty much resolved to dying that way–miserable, lonely, and generally fucked up.
In short, I’m a mess.
The question is, can I clean that mess up?
You see, my visits from the Grim Reaper woke me up–made me look at my life; and I came to the realization that I don’t want to die like this.
So, I have to clean up this shit, and start living. Maybe this is a “mid-life crisis”, but it’s not going to get solved by buying a fast car. So, here’s is the plan:
1) I need a real job–a career. Something where people won’t look at me and think, “Well, isn’t that low-brow.” I need something where I feel, at the end of the day, that I have accomplished something.
2) I need a place of my own–no more room-mates, no more “family help”. It has to be a place of my own, a place that I am responsible for.
3) I need to get back into shape. It’s not going to be easy, but I’m dead if I don’t. I know I’m dead in the long run, but the longer I let myself go like this, it’s going to be the short-run that does me in.
4) I need a woman. I’ve been without for ten years, and I am sick of it. I need to learn how to date all over again–and I need to learn how to find a woman that’s worth being with.
I figure, after all the chemo from my cancer treatments, I’ve got about 20 years of life left in me. I don’t want to live those 20 years the same way I lived the previous 40. No way. No how.
Can I do it? I don’t know.