Why am I reposting “The Wife Whisperer”?

June 29, 2010

Because Twilight is a teenybopper film with vampires thrown in for the hell of it!!!

Reposted from In Mala Fide:

This guest post was submitted by Laura Grace Robins of Full of Grace, Seasoned with Salt. If you would like to submit a post to In Mala Fide, check out the guidelines for contributions and then email me via the contact form, subject line “Guest Post”.

Well, I’m going to get some heat for this one, but the analogy is worth pointing out. I can’t help watching the Dog Whisperer show without seeing that a husband can also apply the same techniques to his wife. The major theme that Cesar Millan tries to get across is that as a dog owner you need to show that you are the leader of the pack and that you want your dog to be in a “calm and submissive” state. Hmmmmm, sounds familiar, huh? Discussions from my post, “Submitting Love,” got me to thinking if only there was a ‘wife whisperer’ who could come in and teach husbands how to get a handle on their wives. Below, I will offer some suggestions that are adapted from Cesar Millan’s techniques.

If you are offended by my woman/dog analogies, please don’t start barking at me. It only proves my point. After all, how did women get referred to as ‘bitches’ in the first place?

Here is a clip where Cesar discusses how to give affection to a dog. As you watch, every time he says “dog”, put in “wife” instead. I think you will notice some curious similarities.

If you are only giving “heart and body” in your affection, you will be “dragged all over the place and she won’t care.” Sound familiar? Therefore, you also have to give “mind.” Notice the dog at the 1:53 mark. He says in that state, you can shower on all the affection you want, because she is being “calm and submissive”. He says most people share affection when the mind is, “excited, aggressive, tense, fearful, panicky, unstable; people unfortunately have a tendency to share affection in order to calm the mind down–that only intensifies the behavior. It says “I agree with that behavior”. So, in other words, when your wife is excited, aggressive, tense, fearful, unstable, etc., don’t share affection, it only intensifies the behavior.

The best thing to do may be just be to walk away and let the unstable moment pass until she then assumes the ‘calm and submissive’ state. At that point, lay on the affection. It’s positive reinforcement. The current cultural assumption is that when a woman is exhibiting any of those unstable traits, that you are suppose to console and comfort her. A man would be considered heartless if he walks away. Usually he is also considered heartless if he stays and says the wrong thing. So, what is a man to do? Often you just can’t win with either and unstable dog or woman.

I think it also depends on whether she is throwing a hissy-fit over something trivial or whether there is some tragedy going on such as: a death in the family, loss of job, etc. In those cases, affection is appropriate and timely. I am not saying that men should never give affection to their wives; I’m saying, “only at the right time”.

Here I found an article called, “How to Control Your Dog’s Behavior by Being a Pack Leader”. Below, I took some parts from that article and everywhere they wrote “dog,” I swapped in “wife/woman.” Some parts don’t apply, like “How to Put on a Choke Chain.” Believe it or not, I am NOT advocating that. Regardless, give it a read and you will see that it eerily makes sense. My extra thoughts are put in parentheses.

How to Control Your Wife’s Behavior by Being a Pack Leader

Is your wife doing a behavior that you don’t approve of? Does she pull you around? Do you feel that you can’t control her? Is it hard to take items (pretty things) away from her without being bitten (not literally of course)? To solve all the symptoms, we must get to the root of the matter. Your wife is most likely thinking that she is the pack leader, or at least she is confused about who is the pack leader. When you claim leadership, the wife is free and content to be a happy willing follower.

1. Good Reasons to be a Pack Leader

* Your wife will remain well-behaved, even around other women who may or may not be.
* Your wife will learn to respect your possessions.
* Reduces constant barking (or whining).
* Your wife will be less anxious and nervous.
* Your wife will be happier and more content.

2. Learn to Think like a Woman

* Realize that there are some areas where women do think like men, and some areas where they do not. This is important because often men will reinforce negative behavior without knowing it.
* Realize that women live in the present much more than men do. Just because a woman has done something for a while, doesn’t mean that she can’t change. In the same way, just because a woman has had a tough upbringing, or might have been abused, doesn’t mean that she can’t be rehabilitated into a loving, calm wife.
* Women do not have guilt or pity in their mindsets/thinking. If a man expresses these emotions, a woman will interpret them as weakness.
* Women can be given affection without being touched. A look can also convey affection.
* Women have different levels of excitability that they progress through. A problem woman that goes into a frenzy in certain situations cannot be corrected when she has reached her highest level of intensity. You must correct at the lower levels to prevent her from becoming out of control.

3. Learn the Pack Mentality

* Women have a pack mentality (or herd mentality). If you have a wife, you are a member of the same pack that she is.
* If a husband shows weakness when he first brings her into their pack, the wife will often try to become the pack leader herself.
* There will always be a pack leader. If you make sure that it is you, then you’ll be able to control your wife in any situation because they will look to you to see how they should react.
* A woman will try to become the pack leader if no one else is.
* Consider women in a pack (think women and their girlfriend cliques; think how one woman in that group always tends to be the leader and the other women follow whatever she does). Women are happier when they know their place in the pack. Your wife will be more content and happy when you consistently behave like a pack leader. If you allow your wife to be leader in the home, but want to be the leader in other areas, you will frustrate your wife. (The trick, as a husband, is becoming that one popular woman in the girlfriend clique who she will follow around).
* A pack leader … (I recognize some of these are more a wife’s realm, deciding about dinner, etc.)
Decides where the pack will go.
Decides when the pack will eat.
Decides who gets what food.
Decides who is allowed to bark (whine) and when (if at all).
Decides when the pack is allowed to play (decides when to separate business from pleasure).
* Decides what the pack is allowed to play with (decides who are appropriate friends that will exert good influences).
Decides how other members of the pack must behave (decides how the family should behave).
Decides who owns what.
The rest of the pack is not resentful of how this works. To them, it is normal. If you modify your behavior to fit to this model (when relating to your wife), your wife will be content because her pack is working the way her instincts say it should. ( I think that is particularly interesting, about how her instincts say it should work, NOT how society says it should).
When pack leaders correct children in their pack, they are rarely aggressive, but just assertive. Men must learn this combination of calm assertiveness to master their role as the pack leader

4. Be Calm and Assertive When Dealing with Your Wife

* Assertive is different than aggressive.
* If your wife knows voice commands, use them:
o Only in firm tones.
o Don’t use a high-pitched voice.
o Don’t speak in a cutesy voice, like you would to a baby.
o Do not speak in anger.
o Don’t say it as if you are asking the wife a question.
o If you give a command and you know your wife is purposefully ignoring you, stop giving the command, you’re just making it worse.
* If you have seen Star Wars, the “Jedi mind trick” is a good example of calm assertiveness. Not the waving of hands, but the firmness and calmness of the tone of voice.

5. Be the Pack Leader

* A less dominant man can become the leader of many much larger and stronger woman. It is a matter of attitude, not physical power or strength.
* Ways you can convey to your wife that you are the pack leader:
o Exit the house first when you go out. Enter first when you go in.
o Sit at the head of the table.
* Let your wife know what behaviors you, as the pack leader, don’t like.
* Be consistent to correct any behavior that you don’t want. Your wife will be confused if sometimes you correct her, and sometimes you don’t.

Other Tips

* Be assertive, but not aggressive.
* Do not yell at your wife. If you think you have to, you are doing something wrong.
* Share affection as much as you want, but only when your wife is in a calm, submissive state of mind.
* Women usually want to please men. Be consistent, so they understand what you expect of them.
* Be consistent. It will help your wife learn more quickly, and help them to trust you.

The last thing I want to bring up is that Cesar will often give a dog a little pinch when it is misbehaving. So perhaps a little pinch or squeeze of the hand will also do the wife good. Out in public, if she is getting too loud or annoying, or simply just not being respectful, give her a little sign that that sort of behavior is not acceptable. Works for me, and has caused me to bite my tongue. Sometimes it is also just a look. Come to think of it, don’t pinch—that will get you a DV charge–ha!


Black Strobe–“I’m a Man”

June 27, 2010

Need I say anything?


Seeing things in the rear-view mirror…

June 27, 2010

Come mid-August, it will be 11 long years since the ex left me, getting on a plane to Europe to disappear forever.

Looking back on it now, I dodged one hell of a fucking bullet; I’ve kept track of my ex, and I know what happened to her, the man she ended up marrying, and her kids. There, but for the grace of God, go I, my sons.

I don’t think my ex ever consciously meant to use me as an ATM–if she had, she would not have told me so much of the man she did end up with. But, she did–and she would still be doing so today, were we still together.

It was this post that got me to thinking about my initial meeting with my ex, and the mistakes that I made; Lord Almighty, I cringe at the mistakes I have made–yes, even the flowers I brought to the first date. I was Beta (Gamma, by Vox Day’s metric), and she treated me as such. Every day, from the point I found out my cancer had departed, must be a day that I say, “Never Again”–and mean it.

Which is why this post is so bloody disheartening. Nothing sucks the wind out of one’s sails than to realize that one can fall back into old habits so damn easily–and I have; I’ve tipped my hand to one of the hotties up on 9, and I can see her contempt in her eyes every time she walks past the desk.

“Hindsight is wonderful-it shows you how you busted your skull after you’ve busted it.” ~Robert Heinlein, Friday

Fuck it. Regroup, recover, and soldier on. Move forward, or die–and I’m not going to face God like this, damn it.


Inspirational

June 21, 2010

Something old:

(Yes, I know–he missed a stanza)

Something new:


Still alive–and that may be part of the problem…

June 19, 2010

My busy time–basically my money making season, which is why I’ve not been posting that much. I’ll probably be going silent again for a while, because I need to find a new apartment, and that is not an easy task in this city.

Two observations that got me pissed this week:

1) Driving home from work yesterday, I noticed in the car behind me that there was a dog sitting in the passenger seat. Nothing wrong with that–I figured that the owner (the woman driving) wanted to give the dog some of the AC to cool off; laudable, actually–it was close to 90 yesterday, and huskies are a cold-weather breed.
But then I saw the old man (most likely the driver’s husband) in the back seat. He was a big guy, and it was a small car, and it was pretty tight fit for him–and his discomfort was pretty evident in his face.

What the fuck?
What kind of woman puts her dog ahead of her man? And what kind of man lets himself be regulated to second place behind a dog? I love dogs, but I would never put a dog at higher value than any person–ever.

The second thing was a little over an hour ago; I was driving along listening to a local rock station, and the DJ was dedicating the show to dads for Father’s Day, talking about “guys and guys stuff”. Just as I’m pulling up to my parking lot, I hear a caller come on and complain that “you know, mothers are fathers sometimes, too”.
Yes, it was a woman. Her complaint was that nobody honors women on Father’s Day had me slack-jawed with shock. The DJ, bless him, gave her hell for it, basically calling her a greedy bitch (“Don’t women have enough holidays? Valentine’s Day? Secretaries Day? Mother’s Day? How much more do you want?!?”). And he was right–Father’s Day is pretty much the only holiday dedicated specifically to men (even if it is predominantly specific subset of men); letting women co-opt it would leave all men out in the cold. And the sad thing is, there probably will be a concentrated attack on Father’s Day by feminists in the future, arguing that there are so few fathers around that they don’t warrant their own holiday. Won’t that be a sad day.