She almost had me…

August 23, 2010

Women always test.

The Journalist stopped by the desk, bearing a scratch ticket.

She: Give me a quarter. I’ll play it right here, and if I win, I’ll look out for you (she’ll cut me in).

Me: Wait–did you win? (I was referring to a conversation we had last week, when she bought a Big Game/Megabucks ticket, and told me not to play because she was going to win.)

She: I haven’t even played it yet!

Me: No, no–I mean last week.

She: (Blank look, then..) Oh! Uh, no–I lost.

Me: Waitaminute–you told me not to play because you bought a ticket! I might have won if I had played!

She: C’mon–gimme a quarter!

And I almost did it–I caught myself fishing a quarter out of my pocket. Damnit! Fortunately, she got distracted by one of my co-workers, and forgot about it altogether.

I’m not sure what I would have done; how do you diffuse a situation like that without seeming like a dick?


Speaking of failing tests, I watched the following on Saturday:

There’s some kind of event going on at Government Center, and there are a bunch of performers on stage doing salsa and contemporary dance. One troop moves off stage, and move inside to change clothes–all except one woman, who proceeds to whip off her costume by the side of the stage. The Sergeant (Gold Shield means Sergeant, right?) steps up and asks her to move around the corner. She didn’t even look up at him, and said: “Do I make you uncomfortable?”, to which he responded, “Yeah, a little”. She chuckled, and said, “You’ll get used to it.”

And he let her go on disrobing. Poor bastard–that woman dissed him, and he didn’t have a clue as to what to do about it.

Women always test!


The dangers of inertia.

July 5, 2010

One of my worst enemies in my effort to re-make myself is the inertia of life: it’s the collection of habits and repetitive behaviors that occupy most of our daily activities. It takes a serious shake-up in your life to get you to start fighting against the usual, to make an effort to try to improve yourself; for me, it was cancer, and the naked terror of dying like I am. 11 minutes hit on the difficulties of staying on your new course in his Sex and Philosophy post:

There is enormous freedom in that state of mind. Your entire ambition becomes to live just for another moment. Nothing else counts. The people around you become strangers, possessed by an evil invisible force that drives them to not enjoy every single moment as you are. If you care enough about them, you want to shake them, tell them to stop worrying about their petty little worries and go and live! But you know that you now talk a language they will never understand.

But the state of mind of a survivor state of mind is short lived.

Soon after I had been told that my ulcer was benign, I slipped back into my old life. As soon as your time horizon fades back into a foggy future, you start worrying the human worries again. You need money. You do not want anyone to steal your stuff. You do not want to risk serious injury or disease. You do not want to fall behind your peers. The evil invisible force gets you under its control again.

I have been experiencing the exact same phenomenon that 11 minutes describes above. And, like he, I am acutely aware of how wrong it is to fall back into the old rhythms–“Once you took a sip from the spring of wisdom, it is hard to forget its taste.“; indeed, sometimes I am so aware of how much I am not getting done that I start having anxiety attacks–I worry that I might die before I’m done, or (worse still) that I might fail to transform, and live out the remainder of my life grieving for what might have been.

The answer is as 11 minutes describes it:

Life is not a parade of great experiences, one after another. It is trite, mundane, often boring, exhausting and insignificant. But then there are the brief flickers of exception The amazing moments. And it is those that we live for. And the art of life is not to miss out on them. Once you miss the moment, it is gone forever.

Don’t try to seize the whole day. Seize the best parts of it. Use the rest of the time to recharge for the next great event that makes your life.

I have to learn to seize the best parts of the day–to recognize those opportunities and to take them. If I succeed, I succeed; if not…well, I made the effort, didn’t I?

Seeing things in the rear-view mirror…

June 27, 2010

Come mid-August, it will be 11 long years since the ex left me, getting on a plane to Europe to disappear forever.

Looking back on it now, I dodged one hell of a fucking bullet; I’ve kept track of my ex, and I know what happened to her, the man she ended up marrying, and her kids. There, but for the grace of God, go I, my sons.

I don’t think my ex ever consciously meant to use me as an ATM–if she had, she would not have told me so much of the man she did end up with. But, she did–and she would still be doing so today, were we still together.

It was this post that got me to thinking about my initial meeting with my ex, and the mistakes that I made; Lord Almighty, I cringe at the mistakes I have made–yes, even the flowers I brought to the first date. I was Beta (Gamma, by Vox Day’s metric), and she treated me as such. Every day, from the point I found out my cancer had departed, must be a day that I say, “Never Again”–and mean it.

Which is why this post is so bloody disheartening. Nothing sucks the wind out of one’s sails than to realize that one can fall back into old habits so damn easily–and I have; I’ve tipped my hand to one of the hotties up on 9, and I can see her contempt in her eyes every time she walks past the desk.

“Hindsight is wonderful-it shows you how you busted your skull after you’ve busted it.” ~Robert Heinlein, Friday

Fuck it. Regroup, recover, and soldier on. Move forward, or die–and I’m not going to face God like this, damn it.

I could have written that letter.

April 7, 2010

Obsidian posted this letter on his blog, and only half-way through, I found two thoughts racing through my head:

1) A sympathetic “Oh, you poor bastard”; and,

2) “I could have written this letter.”

Truly we live in a world run amok. I have experienced moments like those the author relates, and have heard stories from others just as bad (and in some cases–worse).

Ultimately, this is a letter of despair: “why bother?” is the rallying cry of those men who have decided to go omega, to just chuck the whole nasty mess and do without. It’s a bothersome question, one that a lot of people can’t answer. Lord knows, I’ve asked myself that question a number of times down through the years–and the only response I could muster was, “why indeed?”

But a wise man once told me, “Despair is a sin”, and the sin of despair has its opposing virtue: Hope. By all accounts, I should be lying in a palliative-care unit somewhere, drugged into a stupor by morphine as the race to see what would run out first–my cancer-ridden liver or my health insurance. Yet, here I am–alive, and kicking like a motherfucker. Where there’s a chance, there’s hope. You have to have faith that that one out of ninety-nine women will say yes, and that it will be worth it.

Mind you, it’s not all faith; part of the problem with the author of that letter seems to do a lot of reading about Game, but he hasn’t internalized any of what people like Roissy et al teach. I mean, consider the moment that his hook-up said “Do you think I just have sex with random people”?, he should have flipped the script and thrown her last minute resistance in her face (“No, I don’t; I thought you were into me. I’ll see you later.”, and then go back downstairs and sarged right back into the crowd.). All the theory in the world doesn’t mean shit if it isn’t tested and tried–you don’t go swimming without getting wet. It’s the whole point behind that proverb by Alexander Pope:

“A little learning is a dangerous thing;
drink deep, or taste not the Pierian spring:
there shallow draughts intoxicate the brain,
and drinking largely sobers us again.”

Or, to put it in more colloquial terms: “Do, or do not! There is no try!”

Edit: Ok, having read some of the responses to the letter over at TOF, I realize my advice wasn’t the best–he should have said, “No, I don’t”, and gone for the kill. See why I’m not getting any? Live and learn.

It’s not like I’ve been having any more success that this kid–Mr. Wiggly is starving here, folks. But giving up now begs the question of why I should have survived cancer–what’s the point of going through all the pain of surgery and chemo if you’re going to live life in a dark hole in the ground?

Fuck that. I can do better. I fucken’ deserve better–and so does this guy, if he’d actually think about it. We all do. I have faith in that.

So, I’m going pub crawling this weekend. I’ll probably get shot down again; maybe I’ll get a slap in the face–the modern equivalent of a “red badge of courage”. Sooner or later, I’ve got to find that one-in-ninety-nine (or nine hundred ninety-nine)–I have to, dammit.

It ain’t much to have hope for, to have faith in–but it’ll do, for now.

Facebook gives you syphillis?

April 1, 2010

Just forwarded to me by a friend:

Facebook gives you the clap: Official

The sharp rise in syphilis cases in Teesside has been partially attributed to social networking sites which incautious locals are trawling in search of casual sex.

According to the local Evening Gazette, the number of reported cases jumped to 30 last year, up from less than 10 in 2008. Professor Peter Kelly, executive director of public health for NHS Tees, said that “reports from doctors and nurses diagnosing and treating patients suggest some sufferers are using social networking sites to find and arrange meetings with new lovers”.

He added: “Unprotected sex, especially with casual partners, is the biggest risk for syphilis. Social networking sites are making it easier for people to meet up for casual sex. It is important that people avoid high risk sexual behaviours and practise safe sex to protect themselves from sexually transmitted infections.”

I know there’s been a lot of sex on Facebook; all the friend invites I got on Facebook were from women promoting their adult websites. I just find it surprising that people hooking up on Facebook (or other social websites) would think that the risk for catching a disease was lesser than hooking up with someone they met at a bar. Some people have all the intellectual capacity of a thimble.

The Irony? This was originally produced by General Motors.

March 23, 2010

The Road To Serfdom, by F.A. Hayek, (in cartoon format).

We are all properly fucked now.

Some truths are so obvious that they are as rare as as diamonds.

March 21, 2010

Scrolling through the comments section of Infidelity and prole drift at In Mala Fide, I was struck by Snark’s comment to David Alexander:

DA:“You are an alpha, not an idiotic anti-social dysfunctional sub-human male that’s clumsy and bumbling and incapable of making a basic decision. From my perspective, it’s far easier to let her lead and pick everything because there’s a sizable chance that I have no idea of what to do, where to go, or how to do it properly. Why risk the embarrassment?”

Snark:The way to deal with this is to believe that you are always completely correct, and if it comes to it, everybody else is wrong.

Stick fast to this and other people will start admitting that you’re right. See? You always were.

That is so fucking brilliant and so fucking obvious that it is a truth as rare as a diamond. You have to have faith in yourself. It’s one of those things never talked about, because everyone assumes that everyone knows it.

But I–and I suspect, many others–did not; I grew up having no faith in my abilities, and believing that I couldn’t succeed. And because I learned very early on that the price of failure is punishment (either physical or psychological/emotional), I did the only logical thing–I stopped trying. And it had been that way for years, even after the actual threat of punishment ceased to be real (it’s an amazing thing, to realize your father can no longer physically beat you), because the perception of punishment–the fear of punishment–is usually enough to keep you in line.

At some point, you have to develop faith in your own abilities. Amazing how often that is missed.